Chris Brown. Drake. John Mayer. Jason Mraz. Keri Hilson. Aaliyah. PCD. Goo Goo Dolls. James Morrison. Colbie Caillet. Michael Jackson. Mario. Jack Johnson. Alicia Keys. John Legend. Marie Digby, Boyce Avenue (covers). Life House. Danity Kane. Kanye West. Leona Lewis. Lil Wayne. Maroon 5. One Republic. Usher. Passion. Pharrel. Tamia. Rihanna. J. Holiday. Janet Jackson. Bobby Valentino. Anything and Everything.

It has not dawned on me until today that the future lies in my actions in which I act upon today. As I eat, sleep, and breathe, my life is slipping away. I have so many aspirations, so many choices that I have to choose that I really cannot take it any longer. I am probably the most indecisive person you will ever meet. From what I want to pursue in life to something simple as to what to eat for breakfast; it’s driving me insane. I think something in the art fields; many people who want to become a fashion designer, a graphic artist, a photographer, a model, a musician, etc. knew that that was the life they wanted to live ever since they were small. Me, I have scattered myself all over the place, not fully devoting myself to one field. If someone asks me what I want to be when I grow up right now, I would probably give him or her at least 3 different career paths that I wish I could be. To tell you the truth, I am petrified out of my mind. So many people nowadays don’t have jobs, enough money or food to support their families, and I do not want to be like that. As you all know, I devote my time ranting about how our lives are already so blessed and so wonderful compared to those less fortunate. But all this money, all these luxuries, all of these opportunities all came from my parents; from my past generations. So what will happen when they are no longer there to support me?

Why did this come to me today all of a sudden? I honestly cannot tell you a reason. It was just an epiphany, I guess. We live our everyday lives; one after another, never picturing the whole. I guess most peoples’ minds are set to that mindset of “living life to the fullest” the “IDGAF about the future”, and that is the way I am most of the time. That is probably because the future scares me. I do not, not want to grow up. I do. I do not want to stay in this high school era forever. As much as I love my parents and sometimes Walnut, I want to grow up and get out. Let me tell you, I am so sick of all the drama. I don’t know what it is; teenagers programmed to immaturity, parents not being parental figures to their kids, people throwing their lives away for drugs, and last but not least, teens getting caught up in relationships.

I am pretty sure that those who read this blog sees me in a different perspective than what you thought of me before. Many people see me as this bubbly, always happy-go-lucky kinda girl; and I guess I am most of the time because I do not get myself caught up in drama. But I admit that I am quite a cynic. I barely believe in high school love anymore. (THANKS, guys) But i have to admit that i really hope someone will come along and show me other wise. Many people are always shocked when they hear that I have never been in a relationship (which is hilarious), but that is just how I prefer it, i guess. I honestly can say that I have only REALLY liked someone about twice in my entire lifetime, and those moments were, can you believe it, before high school. Have I ever been in love? No. And I won’t lie about that. I think this world has made the word “love” so cliché that I find it pointless to ever use it. But i sincerely hope one day i will say those three words of "i love you" to someone and vice versa and have it actually means what it is supposed to mean. I am not saying that every high school relationship is pointless. I’m not. The drama, however, is. The fact that people break down their friends about their boy/girlfriend, crying night and day over that one person, and then end up going back to them. Maybe it’s the fact that I have never felt such intensity, and maybe my guard is always up; but that’s just the way I like it. No one I met so far is worth that much pain. That much as to cry over, as to beat myself up over. No one. And what does that say about this world? Or, well, is it just me? Help me.

I simply cannot completely trust many people anymore. Its i guess what experience does to you. I should start listening to what others have to say. Even the closest friends I have, I do not tell them absolutely everything, but im workin on that. I cannot completely pour my heart and soul out to anyone and depend on them, and I never have, but i sure hope that ONE DAY, i will find that one person i can. That is just an issue I have that I am not trying to fix right away.
There is no rush to become vulnerable.

Anyways, my mother and I had a spat today. It showed me that we have two completely different sets of morals. It all started with that jobless woman with now 14 kids. In my opinion, she is the reason why there are so many kids in adoption agencies. Which led me to state that when I grow up, I want to adopt my kids, preferably those that need the money for a surgery or something. My mother turned to me with a disgusted look and responded me like what I had just said was absurd. She said something along the lines of “Why would you want to do that? That is just a waste of money and time. Wouldn’t you rather have your own child? If in that time of pregnancy and you find out that your child will come out with a disease or a dysfunction, you can just abort.” That completely appalled me. That something that heartless could have come out of my own mother. I had that fiery feeling inside of me. I felt like a bomb ticking away; 3,2,1… I did know how to respond to that in a calm matter; so I didn’t. Raising my voice to someone like my mother would only cause well, more drama. But honestly? First off, adopting someone not only keeps me away from the pain of childbirth, but it also helps save someone. Second off, I would NEVER abort a child from me unless it was from rape or something tragic like that. He or she, dysfunctional or not would be mine. Mentally disabled kids are the sweetest people I have ever met. I sometimes wish people would be more like them.

Our generations have improved though. I believe that we are changing. We accept more, and for that, I am proud. Keep it up. Keep peace alive.

P.S. I am simply afraid.

kathleen is the name. im a dancer. june 9th is the most important day of our lives. (: i am a JUNIOR at walnut high. i have no idea what i want to be anymore. music is my life..its the only thing that keeps me sane when im out of it. i like to cook. I'm addicted to watching food network. I absolutely love comedians like dave chappelle, kevin hart, and russel peters. Italian is my forte. If i like you enough, ill cook for you. drama-free is the way to be. ill stand my ground when i believe that i should. Your opinion about me does not matter to me. When I completely support something, dont you dare try to oppose me. You will get ur ass beaten in debate. I am a great listener to problems. Fortunately for you guys, I am a person that you can trust, UNfortunately, i trust many people too easily. I dont like being a doormat, but im stuck in that rut. i try to believe that i control my own happiness, but thats never going to happen. im one of the nicest people out there, or so ive been told which sometimes is at my own disadvantage. i dont hold grudges, but i will fight back. I'm allergic to rudeness. I love songs, dances, words, situations, or even people that give me chills or make me cry tears of joy. talk to me on aim, facebook or myspace. dance with me. :] &truthfully, i'm not that great.

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