My mind is taking over my body.

Saturday, January 17, 2009 // 8:14 PM

Today, the weirdest thing was said to me. My mother told me that every time life throws a curve ball at me, I give up. When she first told me that, my initial reaction was “what?! that’s completely absurd!”, but as the day went on, the more I thought about it, and the more I realized that she was right; to a point. In my life, I have given up on things that I thought I would never achieve in life, throw it down, and try something else. Like when I was small; I swam for the first time, and since I almost drowned, I quit. I hated it. (Years later, of course I learned, but that’s not the point.) Piano is another thing. I liked piano, but from the fact that I resented classical music and my teacher only taught that, I started getting lazy, which led my teacher to push me harder, which led me to quit. (and now I regret doing that, because I absolutely love the piano; still, of course, not classical) And now, I think I’m still programmed the same way. I am terrorized by paint. I go to art museums and by even walking around campus, I see talented painters; and I am terrorized. As much as I love art, and as many times I’ve tried to actually sit down and paint (like 3 times haha), it never turned out fantastic. My mindset completely took a turn of 180 and kind of put myself on a road of giving up. It just got me to thinking. For the past sixteen years of my life, I have been making so many regretful choices through the mindset of “I’m never going to get this” and “I’m not good enough.”; Does that mean that that is how I will be for the rest of my life? I mean I have so many aspirations in my life; this mindset of “I WILL change the world”, and yet the teeniest things screw up, and I just let it go? So when I find someone I love, and the going gets tough, I bail? And say I find this perfect job, and the boss yells at me, I quit? The thing that makes it so absurd is that I give off this vibe of perseverance. I am the epitome of never giving up to many people. Is it the things that I enjoy that make me not give up or am I just an all-around hypocrite like every other American?

Another thing that I realized about myself, and well, about the entire human race is that we care too much. Unfortunately, not in the many ways that we should. Instead of caring for those billions of starving people, people inevitable to death, well, people who are less fortunate than ourselves, we care about others’ judgment on ourselves. We are so self-absorbed, that I think whoever our creator is (according to your beliefs), is afraid of revisiting this place that He or She created because of this unethical madness that we have to call home every living moment of our lives. So how did I come up to this conclusion all of a sudden? So I was running my 7 miles today to that one spot I always run to (Which I wont state because I might have stalkers reading this blog; sorry I have paranoia.) and I didn’t stop running when I got there because there were a line of cars passing me. I kept on running until there were a huge emptiness in the roads, which were, unfortunately about three blocks later. Let me tell you, after that tiresome run, I couldn’t help but ask myself why I put myself through such madness. I have this mindset; this completely ridiculous mindset that lets strangers in cars, who probably don’t even look at or care about the runners on the sidewalk, “judge” me. You see, I was thinking that as a runner on the street, I might seem to Americans that I am just full of perseverance. That people in cars will pass me by thinking to themselves, “Oh man, now that person is getting fit. I should try that some time” or “You go, girl. Keep on running.” If a car passes by and I was running but then coming to a walk, they might have this judgment of “Haha, that girl couldn’t make it to the next block” or “Wow, she just gave up”. I mean, I don’t know why, but I would rather have people see me walking a whole entire block than to see me running and then walking. I swear. My mind is killing me.

2009 is starting out very interesting-ly. My mind just likes to talk to me for some odd reason. I think about things more often than I used to. Things that every kid, or person really cares about. Things that seem overrated to me (some days). Cliques and popularity. I honestly do not know where I stand in my high school social hierarchy. Some people insist that I am popular (which I find completely ridiculous and not true). I mean, If you know our school, you would know who the “populars” are. I would not say that our high school is like the one in the movie Mean Girls, but we come pretty close, if you think about it enough. And thinking about that, I don’t know where I stand. I mean I have a set of friends that are absolutely amazing, but we are all different in every way possible. We enhance the best (and maybe the worst) in each of us, but not define who we are as individuals. I don’t see any of us as a cliché clique in those high school movies that we watch just for the heck of it, and well, the good thing I guess is that we don’t have much drama. I find drama between friends and boyfriends completely pointless. I hope that I will never become those people who cant sleep at night because of a fight between themselves and their boyfriend or best friend, or any random person at that. I actually like sleep, surprisingly.

Peace&&Love,
Kathleen Tung.

Out With the Old and In With the New.

Sunday, January 4, 2009 // 2:35 PM

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? I have; several times, in fact, and it just made me wonder how many strangers have pictures of me; how many moments of other people's lives have i been in? Was i a part of someone's life when their dreams came true? or was i there when their dreams died? Did i keep trying to get in as if we were somehow destined to be there? or did the shot take us by surprise?
Just think, you could be a big part of somebody's life and not even know it.

When I was small, i thought that life would be a breeze, and that nothing could happen to me; kind of like i was invincible. As many times i would get band-aids, bruises and scars, or stitches, it felt like nothing to me. As if shedding a few tears were magical, because i would be fine the next day. I would dream all of the time of who i would want to be when i grow up, like i could just pick and choose, and miraculously be one of those successful doctors or lawyers or designers or actresses or police or whatever other occupations i dreamed of having. But as i grew up, I felt like all of my dreams started to slip away. I realize that reality is where i stand, and not those fantasies i have, talking to stuffed animals and playing dress up. I have this whole life ahead of me filled with big plans; plans to find my perfect match, the one who will complete me, the perfect job, or at least one that will support the lifestyle i would love to live in, and much more. The more and more i thought about reality instead of my dreams, i realized that, this isnt going to be an easy journey at all. Because it's not until the end of your life that you realize how the dreams you made were simply dreams. At the end, when you're looking back instead of forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe that you're leaving something good behind. You want is all to have mattered.

It got me to thinking if i should live life for what it is right in front of me, or should i map out my life so i could follow it day after day? And have anything that ive done for the past 16 years mattered? Am I leaving anything meaningful behind? Did i change someone's life?

2009, to me is a fresh start. The first breath after a day of pouring rain. The first bite into an apple.

I'm trying something new. Something called "the fine line where selfless meets selfish"
I know, it sounds absurd in so many ways, but it makes sense to me.
I am pretty sure God forgot to give me strength, or the ability to say no. Or maybe He gave me someone's extra "compassion". I honestly dont have a huge problem with this, but sometimes, it takes a toll on me. Sometimes this means that I stay up till five AM finishing someone else's homework for them because they simply told me that they were "tired", or choreographing 3 more dances than i need to because someone had "something else" that they had to do. I honestly dont mind helping others out; in fact i live off of that, but sometimes, i need to take care of myself before i help others. My life isnt perfect. at ALL. I have things going on in my life right NOW that probably only 4 people in my entire life know. and probably 2 that know the entirety of it.

Everytime i do something selfless, just for a second, i wish that it is done from others as well. Whether it be back at me, or to another person; i just want to know that I'm not alone. People laugh at how much of a humanitarian i seem to be, sometimes even mad because i put myself in danger giving money to some homeless guy in the sidewalk, or because i support a cause they dont. Ive gotten to a level where I have no faith in people's hearts or the world's compassion as a whole. Does that mean everybody in the world has a black heart or is completely heartless? Of course not. But if you think about it, most of the world is on the side of selfish rather than selfless. I dont criticize, nor do i blame any one of you. Its man-kind in general. Sometimes i kinda want to have so much faith in a God just so i could blame Him for this madness and not get struck down to hell for it. Maybe I'll just blame those monkey's we evolved from.

I just want to see people CARE for a change. See people walk by a dysfunctional person and say hi. See someone carrying a crapload of books, help them. Hear announcements or see a charity showcase somewhere, donate. Stop thinking about what you want to buy from H&M or Forever 21, or how badly you want that new Gucci. First of all, unless you make your own money, stop wasting your parents' money. and Secondly, think of this economic crisis. I suggest you guys save all of the money you guys have in your grasp. And Thirdly, think about who's lives you could change. One Dollar to a donation or a blood donation can change many lives. Even just putting a smile on your face in a rainy day can help brighten many people's days.

Reach out and make a change.
Peace.
Love.
Believe.
Harmony.
Change.
Stand Up.
One Love.
One Heart.
Brotherhood.
Sisterhood.
Lets get together and feel alright.

KathleenTung.