Chris Brown. Drake. John Mayer. Jason Mraz. Keri Hilson. Aaliyah. PCD. Goo Goo Dolls. James Morrison. Colbie Caillet. Michael Jackson. Mario. Jack Johnson. Alicia Keys. John Legend. Marie Digby, Boyce Avenue (covers). Life House. Danity Kane. Kanye West. Leona Lewis. Lil Wayne. Maroon 5. One Republic. Usher. Passion. Pharrel. Tamia. Rihanna. J. Holiday. Janet Jackson. Bobby Valentino. Anything and Everything.

I’ve been waiting for my dreams to turn into something I could believe in.
I’ve been looking for that magic rainbow on the horizon.
I guess I just couldn’t see it until I let it go.

Have you ever regretted doing something? That all you want as of the present is what you had before you had done that something? Yet if u did not do that something at the time, it would have meant lying to yourself as well as everyone else?

Is this world honestly this complicated, or is it just me? Sometimes, I feel like I cannot just live without SOMETHING in my life being corrupted. Why is it that every time I grasp something worthwhile, I just throw it away carelessly, without thinking? And it always comes back and bites me in the ass. You would think by the eighth time I would get a clue, right? Wrong. I guess I am just that dim-witted. I have a problem. Yes, I am not afraid to admit it. And that problem is my disability of being dependent. My thoughts in my mind works contradictory with each other. On one hand, I love having someone there for me all the time yet spontaneous, someone sweet, someone that can make me laugh, someone that I can DEPEND on, someone to have fun with, someone to talk to, someone to confide in, someone who I can be my, god-forbid, SELF without hiding, rendering, or changing anything; One who I can be/do the same for reciprocally. However, on the other hand, I love INDEPENDENCE, being free from everything and everyone, not able to completely trust another [past], not being able to settle for anything nor anyone, being a party animal. Do I act according to moods? Or do I get myself into something, ruin it, and yearn for it again? Or do I like to sabotage my own life over and over again, whether it be to help another, out of pity? Or is it the unavailability of the word “No” in my vocabulary. Or is it just all of the above?

So now the question is “what to do?” Should I just stop trying now? Is there any hope? You never know what you have until its lost. That’s a phrase that I do NOT find cliche in any way. I been there, and done that multiple times, and still have not learned how to appreciate what I have right in front of me, not when its departing. Is it possible to go back in time without literally doing so? Is it possible to go back to where you started, with the same strength and happiness that it once were? I have been regretting this ever since I have done it, thinking that it would just blow over, like all of my endless list of past regrets. I have never felt this vulnerable, this scared. The thing is that I don’t even know why I am feeling what I am feeling. Maybe part of it is because the past has come back to haunt me. Maybe part of it is because I have always been a big screw-up and this is yet another one on its path and I am afraid to go down that road in this situation. Maybe I am just really afraid of living the rest of my life in regret and loss.

I never knew that I would actually need someone there for me.
That days could feel like years without someone.
That someone’s words could be all I needed to hear to get me through each and everyday.


How more complicated can I be?

kathleen is the name. im a dancer. june 9th is the most important day of our lives. (: i am a JUNIOR at walnut high. i have no idea what i want to be anymore. music is my life..its the only thing that keeps me sane when im out of it. i like to cook. I'm addicted to watching food network. I absolutely love comedians like dave chappelle, kevin hart, and russel peters. Italian is my forte. If i like you enough, ill cook for you. drama-free is the way to be. ill stand my ground when i believe that i should. Your opinion about me does not matter to me. When I completely support something, dont you dare try to oppose me. You will get ur ass beaten in debate. I am a great listener to problems. Fortunately for you guys, I am a person that you can trust, UNfortunately, i trust many people too easily. I dont like being a doormat, but im stuck in that rut. i try to believe that i control my own happiness, but thats never going to happen. im one of the nicest people out there, or so ive been told which sometimes is at my own disadvantage. i dont hold grudges, but i will fight back. I'm allergic to rudeness. I love songs, dances, words, situations, or even people that give me chills or make me cry tears of joy. talk to me on aim, facebook or myspace. dance with me. :] &truthfully, i'm not that great.

September 2008
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